Regret + Jealousy = Love

This afternoon I was feeling a little sick. I needed to rest so that I could feel better. I lay down on the bed and slowly started to relax. When I relaxed, thoughts of my relationship started to fill my mind. I was thinking about regret. 

I had a relationship where I regretted everything all the time. I regretted the time that I used on trying to make this person happy. I regretted the years that I spent in the marriage. I felt that I literally wasted my life. The only thing that I did not regret was the children that we created together. They were perfect and still are after all these years. 

Feeling regret is almost as bad as feeling jealous. However, they are both weights and do break you down. Well at least for me. So as my thoughts moved to being jealous, I remember it hurt me right in the pit of my existence. It made me angry and sad and regret my relationship even more. Thus leading me straight down the road to depression. Besides, jealous is not a sign of me loving another, its me NOT loving myself. 

There is a good side to these thoughts! I promise! 

The thing that held me was the fact that I thought that it was love. It had to be love. If it wasn't love then I wouldn't be feeling this way right? 

Oh Youth! You make such a fool of us all. (haha.. that was corny but I felt the need to say that) 

My thoughts then started to drift on my current relationship. This is now my second marriage and it is very different. We too have created children. I searched our history for regret. I found none. I searched for jealous feelings. Yes, there were some but not anything we didn't fix. I searched for depression. There was some but it wasn't anything we couldn't fix. It is very different. The one thing that is the same is why I stay. For the fact that I believe it is love. Only this time, it really is. 

I need to remember that bad does not equal good. If I am feeling bad then something is very wrong. I can use this wisdom on every relationship in my life. Even if its just with a friend. I need to because there are a lot of instances that I get caught up in and don't understand why I am so unhappy. 

The trouble is is that it is always easier said than done. It took me years to figure this out. I am just so thankful that I did. I feel free. Or should I say free - er. 

I do love getting wiser. I know I have a very long road to go but I am more than willing to walk it. 

The moral of this story is - I AM SO GLAD I AM NOT A TEENAGER ANYMORE! Youth really is over rated sometimes! :):) 

GOD = LOVE 

Hurt People Hurt People

I Am Okay With Being Afraid Of The Weather

I am afraid of Tornadoes. I moved to "tornado alley" a couple of years ago and really didn't worry much about them, at least until my first Spring. Now I have anxiety attacks when Spring comes around. To get to the point of this entry:

The other day I was driving in the car with my child and we were discussing how tornadoes form and what time of the year and it helped me to recognize something.  Since I have moved to this area, I have begun to notice things that I never did before because of my anxiety for tornadoes. The color of the leaves, the heat, the sounds and the clouds. I have even learned a few new bird calls and species. I can even tell you when the leaves were more yellow in the last two couple of falls because I was so happy to see them all. Two summers ago the leaves were all brown before fall because it was so hot and we didn't get rain. Last summer was a bit nicer to us and a bit more wet. More yellow! I know this may sound silly to you but Tornadoes have not only scared me till I weep, but they have also opened my eyes and shown me a little more of the world. A world that I would have possibly ignored if they did not exist.

I take so many things for granted. I need to remember this lesson and try to keep in mind all the things that are right in all the things that are wrong.

I am not wrong! YOU ARE!

A long time ago I was in a chat room on AOL and there were a bunch of atheists in the room ranting about how God was not real and we were all fools to believe it. One said to me "is it not true that God told Adam and Eve that if they ate the apple, they would surely die?" I said "Yes". He then said, "Well guess what. Your God is a liar because they didn't die!" I was stunned and had nothing to say. I was so upset that he would say this that I got off the computer and went to bed and I remember feeling like I wanted to cry. I felt so much anger for him and so much frustration. I still remember it very well today. 

I was so upset with this person that till now, I have forgiven him and decided to pray for him. I wish I would have known to pray for him a long time ago. It would have made my life so much easier. And it would have made it easier if I would have avoided that chat to begin with. I deserved what I got because it was, after all, an Atheist room and I went in there without any of God's wisdom. 

After a while I thought I could handle such individuals and  I have gotten into heated discussions with Atheists and Christians on Facebook and even in blogs. Obviously still lacking a lot of God's wisdom. I would argue for hours and hours! I really had to learn to pick my battles. With the Atheists, it wasn't that I was ever arguing for the existence of God (even though he does exist) but for the wisdom that God brings to a person. I argued with the Christians because sometimes I feel they can be really judgmental and closed minded about certain things. 

Well after a while it all gets tiresome and you have to decide if its worth it. 

Its not! Honestly. Its not. 

So here is my new approach to said situations: 

I will try my darn - dest to not argue. I will bite my tongue because, to be honest, who says I am right? I don't know. So instead of arguing, I will pray. I will ask God to hear both sides of the story and if I am wrong then I will pray that he teaches me the truth and that he forgives me for speaking when I should be listening. If I am right then I will pray for Him to teach them the truth and for God to forgive them for speaking when they should have been listening. 

PS, this is all one prayer. I must say it again, I do not know if I am right or if he is right. Only God does. 

I will NOT tell the other person that they are wrong. Nor will I dare tell them that I will pray for them. I will just pray on my own time. That is just another way of telling them that I think they are wrong. Therefore it may close their hearts with anger and it may block God's wisdom and my prayers would be pointless for the both of our sakes. 

I don't want that. 

Deciding To Read The Book

I never wanted to read the bible. As a young adult I viewed it as complicated and scary. Later I spent some time in college and decided I especially didn't want to read it! I expected my Astronomy and Science classes would make me steer clear of it but in reality it was my Art History and Western Civ. classes that made a difference. Everything else I could always find a connection between God and the studies.  

I read so many things about early religions and their experts (priests) that made me question the existence of God. Not a lot mind you, but even that is too much. Regardless, I made a connection somewhere. The connection was that back in the ancient ages, the religious leaders controlled the masses because of their lack of education and opportunities and I always told myself that I was too smart for that. But in reality I wasn't. I allowed so many people to tell me what is right and wrong and what the bible verses really mean. Yes, those bible verses that were written by man and changed over time. I seemed to forget little bits of information that really are important when I am stressed out. All my thoughts instead centered around the fact that I was afraid! Satan was going to get me because I could never be as perfect as Jesus and everything I did was wrong. 

Recently I decided to make that change. I picked up the bible and started to read it. Starting at the very beginning where God created stuff... 

I have to say that it has made a huge difference in the way I view things. All those things that people were saying isn't in there! I don't know if I am reading it in the right way but I am not taking it literal and I am using it as a tool to lighten my fear and anxieties.   I sleep better at night. 

Introduction - My Mission - My Disclaimer

Are you searching for a reason to keep believing in yourself and God. If you are then keep reading because I am too! If you decide to brush this blog off because you are sick of reading about God or self awareness or maybe you don't believe in God at all,  just remember this: Wisdom ceases to be wisdom when it becomes too proud to weep, too grave to laugh, and too selfish to seek other than itself.

Khalil Gibran

Introduction. Before I got started on my search for the truth about myself and God I had to decide if I was happy with other people's truth or if I needed to find my own. In order to make this decision I had to wonder if  their ideas made me happy. Most of them did not. Actually pretty much all of them stunk. Their ideas made me anxious and insecure. I even have nightmares about God and faith. Because of this, I have decided to write my own blog concerning certain ideas and explore the options of finding my own conclusions or means to an end based on my personal relationship with myself and with God. 

My mission with this blog is to share my questions and my ideas about God, the bible and how it effects and even affects me and my family. 

My disclaimer. I am not a writer, nor am I an expert in the bible or anything for that matter. All my entries will be of my daily thoughts and lessons that I feel I am learning or want to learn.  I am, like you, a homo sapien in search of wisdom and happiness. Hence comes the title "To Be a Homo Sapient". I will also warn you before I start talking about something that may or may not make you angry. Trust me, its going to happen. 

I want my writing to be natural and free style. I don't want to worry much about grammar. I just want to be, well, me. So if my writing gets a little sloppy at times or even confusing I apologize ahead of time. I also have a tendency to get off course and ramble on about things. I will try not to do that.